Choose Me Read online

  The Beaumont Series

  Forever My Girl – Beaumont Series #1

  My Everything – Beaumont Series #1.5

  My Unexpected Forever – Beaumont Series #2

  Finding My Forever – Beaumont Series #3

  Finding My Way – Beaumont Series #4

  12 Days of Forever – Beaumont Series #4.5

  Lost in You Series

  Lost in You – Lost in You #1

  Lost in Us – Lost in You #1.5

  The Archer Brothers

  Here with Me

  Choose Me

  To Those Who Fight

  To Those Who Risk

  We’ll Never Forget

  THE DUST SWIRLS OUT on the plain, the wind a constant annoyance on this training exercise. Captain O’Keefe chose this location to irritate and prepare us for our Middle East deployment. I haven’t been on a full deployment in a while, none of us have. Others have been getting the job done, but it’s time for them to come home, decompress and spend some time with their families. Our country is at war, one that will never end and now it’s our turn to go over there and do what we do best.

  Tumbleweeds move toward me, on a mission to tackle me. Shooting them would make me happy, but the bullets would go nowhere and cause alarm. It’s best to ignore the errant weeds because fighting with them just leaves me frustrated. The last time I moved one I drew blood from a piece of glass it had picked up on its journey.

  Today, it’s my duty to watch, to listen. We’re going on two days with no sleep, waiting for the raid to come. Practice fighting in the desert, the smoldering heat with the sun beating down on us, is to prepare us. Knowing that at the end of this exercise I can go home, marry my girl and start the next stage in our life is a welcome relief. She’s not going to like it when I tell her we’re leaving again. I haven’t had to deploy since my brother died. There have been a few missions here and there, but nothing that kept me away from Ryley and EJ too long.

  This time will be different.

  The thought of leaving Ryley and EJ for a long period of time doesn’t sit well with me. It’s not that she doesn’t have a strong support system because she does. Lois and Carter, our best friends, will be there when she needs them. Jensen, Ryley’s father, will be there to make sure EJ is doing all the father-son things that I’ll miss and Carole, her mother, will make sure that Ryley is taken care of if something were to happen to me.

  Ryley and I have to get married when I get back. I can’t stomach the thought of knowing that I’m deploying and she and EJ won’t be taken care of in the event that something happens to me. That’s exactly what happened when my brother died. She found herself pregnant and alone, without any financial support. My brother should’ve married her when he had the chance. Instead, he left on deployment before marrying her, thinking that he was invincible and nothing would ever happen to him. Most of us have that mentality, we feel invincible. I never asked why Evan and Ryley didn’t get married when they had the opportunity. I’m not willing to make the same mistakes as Evan.

  Everything that occurred after his death was a nightmare for Ryley. My mother, even though I love her dearly, is the most stubborn, hardheaded and unreasonable person I know. I can understand the anger she felt, but when Evan died he didn’t go away. Ryley was pregnant and giving us a piece of him that no one else could. My mother couldn’t see that and still has a hard time accepting the fact that she and I are together. While she dotes on EJ, she’s less than civil to Ryley and I hate that... Evan would hate that. My parents always loved Ryley and that shouldn’t change because we choose to make a life together as a couple, as a family.

  Explaining to Ryley that our time is limited won’t be fun. It’s certainly not a conversation starter after I’ve been gone for over a month. “Hey honey, I’m home for a few weeks.” A few weeks… the thought of what we have to do in that time both excites and depresses me all at once. A rush wedding, sad goodbye’s and hopefully a baby conceived. I’ll have maybe a day or two before I have to break the news to her.

  My radio crackles, causing me to cock my head to the side to listen. Nothing follows, there’s no command, just radio static. Someone is warning us that our mission is underway even though they shouldn’t because the intent is to catch us off-guard. Still, the warning is welcomed. It’s been forty-eight hours out in this desert and I’m ready to go home. All we have to do is complete this exercise and we’re on our way back.

  Looking through my scope I spot an armadillo walking across the plain. The wind and heat makes everything shimmer causing me to blink and refocus. My spotter, Texas, is next to me. He chuckles, likely wondering if I’m going to blast the critter or let him keep walking.

  “He could be dinner,” he mumbles under his breath. His real name is Carl Poole, but he earned the nickname Texas when he showed up at a gathering with shit kickers, a cowboy hat and a piece of straw hanging out of his mouth. He solidified his handle when he asked if we all wanted to go to a hoedown. SEALs spend a lot of time together and know just about everything about each other. The day we left he found out that his sometimes girlfriend is pregnant. We wanted to celebrate that night, but he said he wasn’t sure it was his baby because he hadn’t been with her in a few months. Tex will do the right thing, and I know Ryley will help his girlfriend while we’re deployed. It’s all part of being a family.

  “I hear the meat is tough.” I try to adjust my position, one that I’ve been in for hours waiting for a sign that we’re on. Peering through my scope again, there’s nothing. We’ve been here for over a month and I have yet to fire my rifle. We sit and wait. We talk and strategize. We go over images of mountain ranges and terrain. This is not my idea of a training mission, but rather a slumber party with the g-rated version of Rambo.

  “We’re done,” Tex says after his radio squawks. He starts packing up, putting our gear back into our packs.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask, incredulously. We’ve been out here for two days, for what? I remain in position, in case this is a set-up and an ambush is coming.

  Tex shrugs. “Dunno. Command says break down and come in.”

  I look around for any sign that Tex could be wrong, but see nothing amiss. This exercise doesn’t make sense and seems more and more like a waste of time. We could’ve been home with our families, giving them a proper goodbye instead of being out here.

  “What the fuck?” I yell as I stand and sling my rifle over my shoulder. I’m not letting go for fear that this is a trap. It wouldn’t be the first time a set-up has happened and caught us off guard.

  By the time I’m packed, Tex is waiting. He seems anxious to get back to camp. I’m willing to bet that his girl has called and he’s eager to speak to her. Ryley won’t call. It’s something she used to do for Evan, but won’t do it for me. I don’t blame her, she had to make some changes in her life and she mostly changed anything that had to do with Evan.

  As soon as we arrive back at camp, the MH-60 SpecOps variant Black Hawk lands to take us back to base. As I look around, it’s clear that this place has been cleaned up and our bags packed for us.

  “You comin’?” Tex asks as he shoulders his bag. I nod, but don’t move. Something isn’t right about this whole situation. We should’ve had a weapons check and gone over our exercise. We should’ve sat down and dissected every movement of our enemy until we had everything memorized. We spent all this time out here, and for what – to look at maps?

  Tex bumps my shoulder as he walks by. He stops and waits for me.

  “Yeah,” I tell him as I reach for my bags. “Something isn’t right,” I mutter to myself as I walk out toward our waiting transport.

  THIS IS HOW LIFE is supposed to be... my son on my hip, my dog at my feet and my beautiful girl standing i
n front of me dripping wet because I’ve just dumped her into the ocean. EJ laughs in my arms, and my heart swells with pride and admiration for this little boy. I know he’s part me, but I wasn’t here for so many milestones in his life – from the first time he kicked, to when he was born, to taking his first steps. I’ve missed so much. All for a job I love that doesn’t love me back.

  “Look,” EJ says, as he points to sky. A kite in the shape of a bird flies above us. The closer it comes to us, the larger the shadow it makes. I use this opportunity to stare at Ryley as she watches the animated bird. Waves crash around her legs, and she wobbles a little. I should move, go stand by her, but I’m lost in her beauty. From the first day I saw her, I knew she was the one. She’s my angel, my saving grace... but she’s also my destruction. She could end my world by telling me that she wants to be with Nate and there won’t be anything I can do about it. As she stands in front of me, with the sun shining down and encasing her, I can’t even begin to comprehend how lucky I am to be with her right now.

  After I returned home, standing there on the porch with my cap in my hand and seeing her look at me with such horror in her eyes, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand. When she told me that I was dead and cautiously touched me as if I wasn’t real, I thought I had lost her. There was no way to understand the words coming out of her mouth. Her face streaked with tears and her voice laced with anger brought me to my knees. What had happened over the years to cause this and why? And how was I going to get her back and make things right?

  Fight, that’s how.

  This fight to win her back, to keep her as my own, is going to be the death of me. It’s a fight I won’t be giving up unless there’s a bullet in my head, or she tells me to leave. I know in my heart that she loves me. It’s my mind that refuses to let go of the images of her and my brother together. Thinking about him touching her, knowing that he’s wanted her since we were teens is the nail in my proverbial coffin. And where is he now? The storm rolls in and he’s conveniently gone. His crew is on an abruptly scheduled training mission. He has to know I’m back. He’s had to have been called. So why isn’t he home?

  Ryley splashes me, causing EJ to squirm in my arms. I set him down and watch him run to her. She scoops him up in her arms, just like you see in those cheesy romantic comedies that she watches. I don’t want to be on the outside looking in, but I can’t pressure her. The decision she made the other night, saying she wasn’t going to marry Nate, made my heart soar but also caused me to take pause. They’ve built a life without me, a life that has my son calling my brother “Dad”, and left me to be nothing more to him than the guy whose face is on his walls.

  Thinking about my son and him not knowing me the way he should angers me. Ryley and Nate were wrong on so many levels, and I’m not sure that’s something I can ever forgive. Growing up, we were close to our uncles and that’s what I always envisioned Nate being to my children. EJ should’ve known from day one that I was his father, dead or alive. I earned that moniker, Nate didn’t.

  “What are you thinking so hard about?”

  A half smile forms on my lips and by the look in her eyes she knows my mind is up to no good. I should tell her how angry I am, but each day with her is a blessing right now and I don’t want to ruin what few moments we have together.

  “Just thinking about how beautiful you are, standing there holding our son.” Ryley’s cheeks turn a glorious shade of pink as she sets her forehead against EJ’s shoulder.

  “I think you’re biased.”

  I shrug. I know I’m not. She’s gorgeous and always has been. I’m not the only one who thinks this. “Doesn’t matter if I am, it’s the truth. I’m willing to bet your father gave you a similar compliment the first time he saw you holding EJ.”

  Ryley walks toward me with EJ still in her arms. When she’s shoulder to shoulder with me, she pauses. “You’ve missed so much.” Her comment knocks me back and she doesn’t give me an opportunity to speak or defend myself.

  I didn’t want to miss anything, but that freedom was ripped from me. My ability to choose to call home was taken as if I were a common criminal. Missing time in their lives was not a part of any plan of mine. I was doing my job.

  I turn and watch her walk back up the beach with EJ still looking over at me. Deefur follows behind just like he’s supposed to. I’m sure there’s a reason why I missed everything and I’m going to figure it out. Whatever that reason is, I’ll never be able to make it up to Ryley and EJ. Nothing will ever bring back the time that was missed, the years and milestones.

  It’s not just EJ or Ryley who have suffered from me being gone. I’ve suffered as well, but not nearly to the extent they have. Even though I had the pictures and letters, which were clearly forged, I still had something. They had nothing. My family was left with a box of my possessions and pictures of me. They were told to grieve and move on while I was fighting for some cause that I’m not even sure was valid.

  The sand is hot and quickly sticks to my feet as I walk back toward our blanket. EJ is in front of Ryley building a sand castle, his shovel digging ferociously in the sand. I dodge a few flying clumps the closer I get to him.

  “Can you help me, Eban?” I crouch down and move his hair out of his eyes.

  “Let me talk to your mom for a minute and then I’ll be right here to help, okay?”

  “K,” he says without making eye contact, far too busy with his masterpiece. I stay there, crouched down, and watch him for a moment before making my way to the blanket. Ryley closes her book when I sit down, pulling her knees to her chest. This is her way of protecting herself. I noticed this habit shortly after we started dating, but never thought anything of it until I told her I enlisted. That’s when it dawned on me that she’s putting up a wall -- one that I’ve taken down repeatedly and will do so again and again if need be.

  “You know I can read you like an open book.”

  “You forget that I can do the same. You were thinking about something that upset you.” Her voice is soft and quiet as she keeps her attention focused on EJ. I reach beneath her arm and pull her hand into mine. I want to touch her, hold her, while I can. There’s a feeling in the pit of stomach warning me this bubble we’ve been in is about to burst.

  “You were standing there, holding our son, and all I could think about is how he doesn’t know I’m his dad and he should. He should’ve known from day one that I was his dad whether I was here or not.”

  “You’re right,” she says quickly, surprising me. I expected we’d sit in silence while she mentally berated herself. “I was young and stupid and thinking with a broken heart. I couldn’t believe that our child, the one we wanted and loved before he was even here, wouldn’t know his father. When I was told that you had… that you weren’t coming back I told myself I would do this by myself and I did. I delivered him in a room with just the doctor and his staff. No one held my hand, but I thought you did. I know now that it was crazy to think you were in the room with me.

  “When EJ started talking and really recognizing who people were, he started saying ‘dada’ and I didn’t think anything of it until he called Nate ‘Daddy’ and I didn’t have the heart to tell him not to do that. He had playgroups and daycare so he saw his friends doing the same thing. Nate would pick him up sometimes and it was natural for EJ to say it.”

  Ryley looks at me with tears in her eyes. “I hate myself for allowing it to happen, but I can’t take it back. You can hate me because of it, but you can’t hate EJ or Nate. Nate only did what I asked of him.”

  I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head. “I could never hate you, Ry. I love you more than anything. But you can’t ask me not to hate Nate. I’ll never forgive him for what he’s done.”

  Ryley raises her head and stares me down. “I did things, too.”

  Leaning forward, I kiss the tip of her nose. “Yes, but there’s a code between brothers and he broke it.”

  MY EYES JAR OPEN as soon as we land.
I can’t believe I actually dozed off. It’s unlike me not to remain alert and focused, especially when I have so much on my mind. I can’t get this nagging suspicion out of my system that something is up. The training mission, in my opinion, was a waste of time. Aside from going over maps of the Middle East and places we’ve all been, we didn’t train. We lounged around like useless slugs. That’s not how we win the battle. That’s not how we defeat the enemy. They’re not sitting around waiting, and the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get.

  Stepping off the helo, I breathe in the sea air of Coronado. I love it here. Growing up in Washington, the constant rain and gray is what I was used to but once I moved south, I realized that seeing the sun every day is what I needed.

  I wouldn’t trade where I am for anything. The last time I re-enlisted I feared being assigned to a different base and I’m not sure what I would’ve done if that had happened because there would’ve been no way I’d leave Ryley and EJ behind. Asking Ryley to leave is out of the question. Evan is buried here and I already know what her answer would be.

  “Plans for the day?” Tex asks as we walk to the bus. He has a shit eating grin on his face, pretty much indicating that he’s up to something.

  “Depending on what time this debriefing is done, I’ll probably go home and sit on the couch with Ryley on one side and EJ on the other.”

  “York said no debriefing today, don’t need it.” He drops his gear onto the bus and walks away. I stop dead in my tracks, unsure if I heard him correctly. I look around for York, but I don’t see him. Mark York is our Master Chief, divorced with two kids that he doesn’t get to see much. Since his divorce he tends to keep to himself and rarely hangs out with us. He was, and probably still is in love with his ex and the fact that she took his kids back to her home state has really put his life in perspective. He talks about retirement, but re-enlisted a few months back saying that the SEALs are the only thing keeping him going.