My Kind of Forever Read online

  With the band’s mail under my arm, I walk through my quiet house and down my back stairs. Harrison and JD are in the office working. 4225 West has hit a rough patch. Our sales on our recent album have dropped dramatically and our manager says it’s because we aren’t in Los Angeles networking with the rest of the music industry. JD is all for moving back, especially since Jenna doesn’t have any ties other than us in Beaumont, but I can’t uproot Noah. He’s establishing himself here as an elite athlete. I also have a feeling that Harrison would forgo his position as our drummer if we decided to relocate. I know Katelyn has no desire to leave.

  “Sup?” I say as I sit down at my desk. I’m running out of space in my basement and had to convert Katelyn’s old office to a space for the three of us. Our wives were all yelling us at respectively, with all the scrap pieces of paper we were leaving around the house. Or me yelling when I’d leave papers on the table that somehow ended up in the garbage. The last time it happened, I yelled and yelled and Josie stood there with her hands on her hips reminding me that my untouchable space was in the basement. When I started working down here, so did Harrison and JD. Now we have two long tables, one on each wall, a computer and notes taped everywhere.

  They don’t answer me and I’m okay with that. We see each other every day and often at night. We’re a family. Our wives are best friends and our kids play together... well, Noah and Quinn do. Elle and Peyton entertain Eden when I’m not holding her.

  I thought I’d be upset if we weren’t having a girl, but I’m not. It’s almost like I’m getting a second chance to raise a son, not that I’d change Noah, but sometimes I still question myself with him. And the fact that he’s close with Nick still gives me an uneasy feeling. I feel like I toe the line when it comes to punishment because I’m afraid that Noah will blurt out that he’s going to go live with Nick. I wouldn’t let him, but I’m not sure I could stop him.

  I rummage through the mail and rip open the large manila envelope. It’s a series of images taken by some paparazzi; I shake my head as I flip through each one.

  “How was L.A.?” I ask Harrison. He and Katelyn had taken the kids to his beach house for a week for spring break. I was jealous until now.

  Harrison sighs, turning to face me. “Things are good. I saw Trixie and played a few sets for the house band.” My mouth drops open and he shrugs as if it’s no big deal that he went back to the bar that gave us our start. “What’s that?” he asks nodding to the pictures in my hand.

  I swallow to push away the dryness in my throat. Laid out before me are images of Harrison and Katelyn. The headline is unfavorable, saying: Harrison James of 4225 West wanders. I know that’s the furthest thing from the truth, but the pictures tell a different story. While Katelyn watches the game, Harrison is watching the cheerleader in front of him. His eyes are dead center on her ass. One of the images shows him shrugging as Katelyn stares him down.

  “Nice spread,” I say as I toss the images down onto the table much to Harrison’s displeasure. JD snickers behind him, causing Harrison to turn an ugly, embarrassing shade of red.

  He shakes his head and covers the photos with a piece of paper. “Katelyn was so pissed but I couldn’t help but look when they’re shaking their asses in my face.”

  “You look, but you don’t get caught,” JD adds because he’s the master of looking without detection.

  Harrison cuffs him upside his head and glares at him. “Anyway, we need to discuss Metro.”

  “Why?” I ask, sorting through the rest of our mail. Most of it is fan letters, in which one of us will respond. We take turns answering them, knowing how much it means to our fans when we reply personally. Each letter receives a signed photo from the three of us. Cheesy, I know, but it helps sales. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

  “Trixie’s closing Metro. With the surge of online videos and social media, playing gigs to get noticed isn’t the thing anymore. Like I said, I played a couple sets, but most of the bands brought their laptops in and used electronic music as a backup. Trixie is losing money, the bar is run down, and I didn’t see one agent while I was there.”

  Metro is the place where my grandfather was discovered, the place where Harrison and I developed as musicians, and the place where I met Sam. That place paved my way, and I almost gave up on music until Trixie called that fateful night and gave me the coveted “headline” spot. If she hadn’t, I would’ve come home and begged for forgiveness. That’s something I’ve never told Josie.

  “When’s she closing?”

  “Two months. She’s hoping to find a buyer before then, but no one wants to invest in a bar these days. It’s old, not the ‘hot spot’ anymore and in need of some serious repairs.”

  “We should so something for her,” JD adds. I forget that he played there too. We have ties to Metro and owe Trixie a lot, but we’ve never thanked her. Hell, once we signed with Moreno Entertainment we never went back.

  “There’s another thing you should know,” Harrison says, but this time his expression is grim.

  My insides turn, preparing for more bad news. “What’s that?”

  He clears his throat. “Some journalist named Calista Jones is writing a tell-all about you. Somehow she got a copy of Sam’s diaries and according to the word on the street, a few of your ‘friends’ added some colorful commentary.”

  “What?” my voice breaks and my heart beat increases. This is the last thing that I need, and definitely the last thing that Josie needs. We’re in a good place and with the baby coming; the added drama will just be too much stress for her.

  Harrison hands me his phone and I read through an excerpt of this novel. Everything that I don’t want to remember about my past is about to come out and there won’t be anything I can do about it. Sure, I can take to social media and ask people not to buy it, but I know that they will, even though they’ll tell me they won’t. It’s in our nature to know all the juicy gossip of Hollywood.

  “Well, this is fucking great.” I mutter as I read what Harrison has shown me. She talks about the tattoo across my chest and the day Josie called the office and left me a message. But it’s the words about the time that Sam and I hooked up in my tour bus that really jars me. The date is written there and for the first time, I recognize it as our anniversary... mine and Josie’s. Dead doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel inside right now.

  The guys don’t have anything to say. I don’t blame them. I brought Sam into our lives, and aside from JD, she did everything she could to ruin us and we’re pretty sure she set Alicia up to drug Harrison.

  “We should get to work,” I say without any conviction whatsoever. My mind should be on the joyous news I want to share, but thoughts of my past plague me. I’ll have to tell Josie about this book and pray that she doesn’t want to read it. Nothing good can come from a book written by a journalist… one that I don’t ever remember meeting.

  “What are we working on?” JD asks as I shake my head.

  “I have no idea,” I say completely lost for yet another time in my life. I’m starting to think that my career is over because I’ll be spending the rest of my days trying to make up for everything I did in the past to my wife. She’s not going to understand. Hell, I don’t even understand.

  I’m fighting every urge I have to go baby shopping. Instead, I head home after stopping at the grocery store. Liam and I want to buy things for the baby together. He wants to be there when we pick out a crib, the bedding and, of course, he says that the baby needs rock star approved clothing. I think if he had his way, the baby would have his own motorcycle – and probably tattoos – right from birth.

  It’s hard to explain how I feel about adopting. I’m happy, elated and over the moon that in a few short weeks I’ll be holding a baby boy in my arms who I get to call mine, but I’m missing the pregnancy part. I miss rubbing my hand over my stomach and feeling the fluttering and the kicking. I want Liam to touch my stomach and feel his child respond to him. Or have Noah rea
d a story so the baby knows his voice when he gets here. We’re missing these early bonding moments, but I still wouldn’t trade what we have going on right now. The anxiety of being a new mother is there, even if I’ve done this before.

  When I pull in I see a football flying through the air accompanied by the sound of voices. Liam is working with Noah and is teaching him everything he knows. As of late, there have been comparisons between the two of them. A reporter stopped us at the mall, asking us for an interview. He’s twelve, almost thirteen, and not even in high school yet and they’re matching him stat for stat with this dad. I could see it in Noah’s eyes, the resentment is building. He was on his way to being a football star long before Liam showed up and I think it upsets Noah that people don’t remember that. He’s not Liam, and he’s not trying to be.

  I set the groceries on the counter and head out back to see my boys. I’m sorry... men. Noah has informed me that he’ll no longer be my little boy when he becomes a teenager so I need to make sure he’s referred to properly. My response was to pull him into a hug. That lasted for about two seconds before he squirmed his way out of my arms. He’s growing fast, too fast for my liking, but it was bound to happen.

  “Looking good,” I say just as Noah releases a pass back to Liam. He catches it with such ease, much like he did when he and Mason would throw the ball around in Mason’s backyard. When I wanted to make-out and do stupid spontaneous teenage things, Liam wanted to work on his arm. It wasn’t until senior year that he relaxed and now I know why. He was planning to quit football, even if he didn’t know it at the time.

  He changed our senior year. I can see that now. Back then I was blinded by love, college and freedom. I thought that Liam, and I were invincible and nothing could bring us down or break us. Turns out, I was the one to break us because I couldn’t see past the quarterback I fell in love with. I couldn’t see the hurt and pain he was living with day in and day out. I only provided more stress by trying to do everything I could to keep my dreams alive. I was all set to just be his wife, but he gave me the opportunity to be someone better, someone extraordinary. He gave me the opportunity to grow up and find the me I needed to be without him guiding our path. It just sucks how it all happened.

  “How was school, Noah?”

  “Fine.”

  “Did you do your homework?”

  “Yep.”

  He continues to throw the football back and forth with Liam, never taking his gaze off his dad. This is how our conversations have gone lately - I ask a question and get a one word answer in return. Sometimes I understand when he replies with “not fair” after some sort of punishment has been handed down. Lately, it’s been because he hasn’t turned in his homework. He earns great grades and does his homework, but forgets to hand it in. The only way Liam and I thought we could get the point across was to remove all his electronic devices from his room. It hasn’t really helped, but his forgetfulness is getting better. Funny how he never forgets anything when it comes to sports.

  “Did you stop at the store?”

  “I did,” I answer Liam. “I picked up a variety – chicken, steak and hot dogs.”

  Liam tosses the ball back to Noah and tells him he has to start cooking dinner. He comes over to me, rests his hands on the chair that I’m sitting in and kisses me. Noah makes gagging sounds in the background causing both of us to smile. When he starts to pull away, I clutch his t-shirt preventing him from leaving me. We’re not into heavy displays of affection in front of Noah, but he knows that his parents love each other. Liam always has his hand on my back or on my hip or our fingers are locked together.

  “Have you told him?” I whisper only for Liam to shake his head.

  “I was waiting for you.”

  He kisses me again before he helps me stand. It’s these small moments that make me wish I were pregnant because of how Liam is around me. Although, he’d likely want to put me in a bubble to prevent any injuries or potential dangers that could come my way.

  Noah hasn’t exactly been very welcoming of the fact that another human will be living with us. He wanted a dog, but Liam and I wanted a baby. We’re the parents; we won the battle, but have paid dearly for it with pre-teen attitude.

  Liam asks Noah to come into the house with us for a few minutes. The request is met with some type of boy grunt, followed by the kicking of grass. If Bianca and I were close I’d ask her if Liam was like this. Maybe Mason was and I can ask Mr. Powell how he dealt with the constant sighing, one-word answers and eye rolling. I must be crazy to want to do this again. Right now I think crazy is a good thing.

  As soon as the three of us sit down at the table I’m taken back to the time when Liam came over for dinner and we told Noah that Liam’s his dad. Noah knew, of course, after he heard his teachers talking about Liam during a field trip to the sports museum. Mason and Liam had made such a name for themselves that the town wanted to remind everyone just how amazing they were.

  Liam takes my hand in his and looks at our son who is looking anywhere but at us. I hate that he’s so disinterested, but I get it. Liam takes a deep breath and squeezes my hand.

  “Today, your mom and I got to see the baby. Would you like to know what we’re having?”

  “A monkey?”

  “Noah,” I say with a hint of displeasure in my voice. I know it’s hard to make this adjustment, but sometimes changes are good for people, for families.

  “What?” he says with a hint of laughter in his tone. “A monkey would be great then we could watch it pick its own butt.”

  Liam isn’t taking Noah’s bait and looks at him sternly. “It’s a boy.”

  This time Noah rolls his eyes and pushes away from the table. “Great. Now you can start from the beginning and be there for everything that you missed with me. That’s why you’re doing this, right? So you can make up for what you missed? This baby isn’t even going to look like us. You’re taking some stranger’s baby and the only reason she’s giving you her kid is because you’re famous.”

  I gasp and Noah looks at me. There are tears in his eyes. I shake my head, but he’s already storming out of the room. Liam goes to stand, but I stop him.

  “Are we making a mistake?” I can’t believe the words that come out of mouth. My heart’s breaking in two right now, half for my son who doesn’t understand and half for the little boy who has yet to be born and is in need of parents who will care about him.

  “Josie, we’re not making a mistake. He’s right though. I can’t help but feel like this is my chance to make up for what I missed. Even now, there’s so much that I don’t know about having a pregnant wife. I can’t feel your stomach or ask you how my baby is doing. I don’t even get to go to the store and buy you pickles and ice cream only for you to tell me you don’t want them anymore. I won’t be able to hold your hand while you’re in labor or be there to cut the cord.”

  I stand and force my way into his lap. I hold him to me, stroking the back of his neck while I think of what needs to be said. I can’t change the past and I know he’s not asking me to. I don’t want this baby to be a substitute, but if that’s how Noah’s looking at it, maybe we haven’t considered everything.

  “We want this baby, right?” he asks, pulling away slightly so he can see me. I nod and attempt to blink away my tears. “I have to find a way to help Noah understand that I’m not replacing him. The last thing I want is for him to run to Nick.”

  Threading my fingers through his hair, I look deeply into his blue eyes. “He won’t run to Nick.”

  “Don’t be so sure.”

  I rest my forehead against his and sigh. Our lips meet briefly before I pull away and look at him. “Aubrey’s pregnant. If Noah is acting like this with us, he’ll do the same with Nick.”

  “I’m going to go talk to him,” Liam says tapping my hip to get me to stand.

  “No, I will. I need the chance to still be his mommy.”

  There isn’t a handbook on how to handle something like this and no o
ne I can really ask. Harrison and Katelyn merged their families nicely, but there wasn’t a baby involved. Even when Eden is here, Noah doesn’t pay attention to her. I chalked it up to being a boy, but maybe it’s something different. I don’t want to think that Noah’s jealous, but maybe he is, although most of us are jealous of the attention Eden receives. She has each of the guys wrapped around her finger.

  I knock once before twisting the knob and pushing his door open enough to peek in. He’s lying on his bed, tossing his football in the air. He looks so much like Liam at this age - even though he and I weren’t friends back then, I still saw him around town. Katelyn and I used to watch him and Mason play football on Saturdays, riding our bikes over to the park. Then, high school changed everything for me.

  Noah doesn’t stop when I sit down on the edge of his bed so I do what any mom would do; I lie down next to him and catch the ball. I think it’s funny, but he doesn’t and lets out a huge overdramatic sigh.

  “Life sucks, doesn’t it?” I hand him back his football, knowing he likes to feel the leather against his fingertips.

  “No.” I pause, wondering if he’s being truthful or sarcastic. At this age, it’s hard to tell.

  “Noah, I’d really like you to give me full answers. I came up here to talk to you. I know you’re going through a lot of changes and if you don’t want to talk to me, you can talk to your dad.”

  “I don’t want to talk to him.”

  I roll onto my side and turn his face toward me. His blue eyes glisten with tears. “Why not?” I try to keep my voice stoic because he can’t know that I’m falling apart on the inside.

  “He wants to replace me.”

  “Oh Noah,” I cry out with my hand covering my mouth. “That isn’t true. Your dad loves you so much. This baby isn’t going to change that.”

  “Yes, it will. He’ll want to be with the baby instead of throwing the football around or coming to my games.”